Three Good Things: Day Two

Three good things: Jot down three things that went well for you each day and give an explanation as to why these good things occurred
 Day Two.... not much to write today, going to do my best though!

1. I've been debating about a kindle for a while and finally settled on getting one this evening. Will probably buy tomorrow, it's nice to make up my mind
2. Actually enjoyed seeing family today, was good conversations to listen to
3. Enjoyed wearing my new jeans and cardi, made me feel good- not something that usually happens

E xx

Three Good Things: Day 1

Three Good Things
So I figure, why wait until new year? I am hoping this resolution might make things a little easier.
I found a good link today about increasing your happiness in the new year... 7 New Strategies for Happiness in the New Year
I've decided to go with... Three good things: Jot down three things that went well for you each day and give an explanation as to why these good things occurred

Day 1:

1. I was able to motivate myself to do some revision; I have exams in January and have been feeling so low I haven't even had the energy to open up a text book or even glance at my lecture notes but today as I helped my sister revise I managed to do some of my own, yes it took a while and I don't remember much of the things I wrote but its a start, and I am quite proud of it if I'm honest
2. I gave my rabbit a Brussel Sprout to try and he loved it, he played with it and was munching on it for ages, it made me smile
3. I got out of my pyjamas and got dressed. Yes simple for any other normal human being but not for me at the moment, was at 3pm but I still managed

I guess for me what may seem like normal activities are actually great obstacles for me to conquer although every step I make, no matter how small, will eventually add up and make things easier.... that's what I'm hoping anyway!
E xx

Resolutions

When I think back to last year a lot has changed. I had just left CAMHS for good, was still at school and had just entered the horrors of the adult system. I remember vividly telling all the girls in my support group that my new years resolution was to 'find myself'.... I certainly don't think this has happened yet.
I've got plenty of ideas for resolutions this year, although I know they're not "healthy" ones... more exercise, doing every-other-day full detoxes, only eating raw foods.... the list is endless. I'm telling myself no though at the moment, trying to ignore them. It's not even as if I even have to make a resolution, I guess its a way to cover up things I want to do anyway.

For anyone else out there thinking of making resolutions, here is a good link... 8 Tips for Setting Nourishing New Year’s Resolutions, I'll try to think of some 'healthy' ones myself.

Hope you had a good Christmas, Ell x

Words of Wisdom Part 2

 

 

 

Words of Wisdom Part 1

Edward Monkton creates really cute designs, here a few of my favourites...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edward Monkton: Love Monkey

Edward Monkton: The Pig of Happiness

numb

Tree of Happiness

Young Minds a UK Charity working with young people with mental health difficulties did a survey to find out what made people happy. The larger words are those that were said most often, Friends rating the highest so far.

I have created an image of my favourite things too.....guitar, reading, drawing, photography, walking, sunset, stars, movies, music, rabbit, church, train, fresh bed, libraries, charity shops, giving, dancing, singing, tea, socks, fruity smells, organising, home, hugs, tbbt (the big bang theory), glee, sunshine, beach, smiles, candles, purple, caring, peace, sleeping, conversations, pyjamas, family, quotes, flowers, freebies, art, fridays....

From Carlos Santana's twitter...

Divine identification
Is the new foundation
For living with light and love
To hold on to the feeling
With clarity of knowing
That we are;
The Holy Spirit
State of grace
The light
The truth
...

And the way.
Because Christ consciousness
Lives and is in everyone
We are made in the likeness of the supreme
May we arrive at remembering
That illumination is not a condition or place
But a surrendering, discarding
And stop investing emotionally on the illusion
Of distance and separation
From our effulgent core
We are the light
See the path, walk the path, become the path
Light and love is the flow of grace our lungs breathe
Peace,

Christmas Lights

I'm not a fan of this song and I'd really hate to live across the road to these people but I think this is something everyone needs to see.... Christmas lights to the MAX.......!!!

Mindfulness

Hi Everyone,

I have recently seen a blog post about staying Mindful over the Christmas Period. Just in case you're not sure what mindfulness is....

Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to the present moment, using techniques like meditation, breathing and yoga. It helps us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings so that instead of being overwhelmed by them, we're better able to manage them.

Practising mindfulness can give people more insight into their emotions, boost their attention and concentration and improve relationships. It's proven to help with stress, anxiety, depression and addictive behaviours, and can even have a positive effect on physical problems like hypertension, heart disease and chronic pain.

 

For more information on mindfulness check out http://www.bemindful.co.uk/

 

The Christmas period is notoriously difficult for many people whether they be suffering from depression, eating disorders or any other type of mental illness. Practising Mindfulness might be a way to therefore cope with some of the difficult feelings and situations that could come about in this holiday period.

 

Nourishing the Soul has some great tips on staying Mindful over Christmas.....

 

In the spirit of all that is merry and bright, here are five simple ways to practice mindfulness this holiday season.

1. Sip your peppermint mocha mindfully. With the deluge of savory and sweet treats around the holidays, it’s easy to start engaging in mindless eating or overeating. Our office staff room always quickly fills up with goodies starting around Halloween, and by New Years most of us couldn’t tell you the difference between a macaroon and meatball. With all of the amazing dishes, it’s a great time to practice eating mindfully by taking one slow, delicious bite at a time. See this primer for how.
2. Take a walk in the winter wonderland. For people who struggle to sit and chant “om” for an hour, a walking mediation is often a great way to connect with the present and develop a sense of peace. Try taking a quiet walk (leave the iPod at home) and observing the sights, sounds, and smells of the outdoors.
3. Start a gratitude practice. The holidays can pull for us to get caught in the past, longing for people, places, and traditions long lost, and in the future, longing for more (more attractiveness, more friends, more stuff). What’s goes missing then is appreciation for the present. The holidays are a wonderful time to start a gratitude practice, whether that involves daily recitation, journaling, or some other creative endeavour.
4. Make a holiday craft. Creating something beautiful around the holidays is a great way to engage your attention and senses, and can serve double duty as a low-cost gift for your great aunt! Check out Pinterest for awesome ideas.
5. Hang your stockings with care. Try turning holiday decorating into a mindfulness practice by taking the time to notice the details in each decoration. Observe the way that each ornament reflects the twinkling lights and the smell of mothballs pulling out the stuffed snowman. Notice the way the flames on the menorah candles dance and the sound of the rustling leaves on the wreath as the door opens and closes. You can even turn this into a game, challenging yourself to make at least ten observations for each of the five senses.

 

I hope that this may help some of you that may be struggling this time of year.
Give it a go and let me know what you think.

 

Much love, Ellie xxxxxxxxx

Big Bang Moments (Part 2)

Big Bang Moments (Part 1)

A few of my favourite moments from The Big Bang Theory...

ELLIE

Type in 'ELLIE' on a google search engine and you get approximately 106,000,000 results.
On Google Images a selection of pictures come up like this...

So technically I know what 'Ellie' can be pictured like, what about written-wise.
What does Ellie actually mean?

The Urban Dictionary defines 'Ellie' as ....  Ellie is the most amazing friend in the world.
She can make you happy just by smiling, and she is a very pretty girl.
Ellie means Golden Sunshine, and thats exactly what she is, cause she light up a person's
everyday. If you need a good and true friend, go look for an ellie!

Thinkbabynames.com says Ellie derives from Alice (Old German), Elaine (Greek), Ella
(Old German), Ellen (Greek), Eloise (Old German) and Helen (Greek).
The meaning of Ellie is "noble, exalted; sun ray, shining light; foreign: famous warrior"
Interstingly Ellie is a very popular first name and can be used as a surname, but this is rare.

Babywizard.com says 'The meaning of Ellie is shining light or most beautiful woman'
I like the extra sentence on nicknames; Elle, Ellbell, Ellers, Venellie, Jellie, Elly-Belly


It does make me wonder though if there is so much literature out there about 'Ellie'...
why is it that I just can't seem to find her?

Recent Distractions

 

Useful Distraction Techniques I'm using at the moment...

 

• Paint nails
• Dust room
• Put make-up on (to treat yourself, not for anyone else)
• Wander around town
• Browsing on Facebook
• Make playlists of videos and songs on youtube
• Watch Films
• Catch up on missed TV (enjoying Educating Essex especially)!!
• Organise sock draw
• Organise files and papers
• Write a long email to someone
• Read
• Play some guitar/any other instrument
• Practice singing for choir
• Put on some music and have a jiggle/sing-along
• Sort through purse for receipts
• Go through albums on computer and organise them/delete unwanted photos
• Go through saved 'Favourites' on laptop and see if I still want them/organise into folders
• Have a shower with nice Body Shop products
• Do some washing-up
• Make a cup-of-tea because tea makes everything better :-)
 
 

Music

I'm throwing myself into music at the moment, absorbing the sounds and melodies. I love singing along bashing out lyrics, putting all of myself into the music and forgetting.

I love Olly Murs's new album, its really good, I got it on Monday and have listened to it dozens of times now.
My favourite tracks are as follows...
Track 4; Dear Darlin'
Track 8; Head to Toe
Track 10; What a Buzz
Track 12; One of These Days

Here are some of my favourite lyrics.....
"Dear Darlin', please excuse my writing. I can't stop my hands from shaking. Cos I'm cold and I need you tonight..."

"One, two, three, now I'm building up the courage. Four, five, six, walking over in a hurry.... I won't take no for an answer tonight, can't you see there's a fire in my eyes? For you"

"Tonight I'm drinking wine with a girl I just met.... tell me about you. What a buzz. Where I'd be without you... Tell me all about you. What a beautiful buzz with a girl I might love"

"One of these days I'm gonna find someone to love......... My room is big enough for the both of us. So won't you come around, help me fill it up.......One of these days I'll find you cos I wont give up"


Reading over these, maybe I'm just some kind of hopeless romantic <3

Beauty

 

I love this picture. I am mesmerised by the eyes of this young lady; they make me think of soul searching, hope, wonder and power. I can't get over how this image sums up beauty so perfectly.

 

It's very beautiful over there

A quote from...
Looking for Alaska~ JOHN GREEN
First friend, first girl, last words.


When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible," with that stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, so it cannot fail.
So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were, "It's very beautiful over there."

Hilarious

Feeling crap and got a text about this video... made me giggle so much....

I'd like to say......

I'd like to say.....

• Don't put your bread in my freezer compartment
• Clean up your mess, its annoying when you leave your washing up in the bowl/on the side
• Turn your music down
• Can I have a hug?
• Can you help me do my washing, I don't want to go on my own
• Teach me the F Chord
• Don't leave me on my own at night, I don't cope well
• I'm really tired
• Keep an eye on me, I don't trust myself
• I feel like I've been here forever
• This feels like home
• You're my best friend
• I feel closer to you
• Can we watch The Big Bang Theory?

LONELY

It is not unusual for me to feel alone even when with others, however, I don't think I have ever felt loneliness this powerful before. It wasn't until I experienced near constant friendship and company like I am now that when I am on my own or having a down day I experience loneliness on a whole new level.

I crave for human contact and company. Not only does it get boring being here on my own when everyone else is out but my mind wanders off and leaves me behind in an empty shell- unable to move other than to breathe I just sit until something jerks me back to life and I notice a few hours have gone by, none the wiser as to where they went, let alone how. Time escapes me, or perhaps I escape time.

Similarly, I have always slept in this bedroom okay but once or twice now someone has stayed the overnight and I feel so lonely each night that he doesn't stay (not for some stalkerish weird reason but because it didn't occur to me that I am living on my own here until he was gone). It's so odd, it never occured to me that I would feel lonely when in bed at night.

Its not until you've got something and then loose it (if only temporarily) that you notice how much you need it and can't survive without.

Nourishing the Soul

I found this post this morning on Nourishing the Soul Have a read, it really made me think and I couldn't help but agree with the ending points. Ellie x


Recently I was browsing through old photographs, memories of homecoming dances and holiday meals spread out before me on the coffee table in joyful disarray. I came upon an image tucked among others from a summer I spent in Cameroon, a country in western African whose patchwork of diverse cultures resembles an old blanket – tattered but comfortable.
The photograph I held in my hands pictured a young man whom I met during my brief but life-shifting stay in the city of Kumba in southwest Cameroon. While the man’s name and even character had long since evaporated from my memory, the image brought to mind a conversation that we had on one surprisingly cool evening in June. The man (we’ll call him Pierre, a common name the country where French is one of the two national languages) had asked me what the United States was like, and I eagerly shared the romantic details of the neighborhood in which I grew up, as well as the college town where I had by then spent three wonderful years.
As I talked, I noticed Pierre’s eyes were wide with excitement, drinking in my words hungrily. He stopped me mid-sentence to ask, “Miss, Miss! You must tell me! Are there really swimming pools at every house?” I burst into laughter and replied that there certainly were not.
“But, what about gold? Isn’t nearly everything made of gold?” Again, I replied that no, most things were made of brick and mortar, admittedly studier that the wooden structures that many in his city called home. By this point, I began to get a sinking feeling in my stomach, wondering where exactly Pierre had developed the idea that our bathrooms had golden toilet seats.
When I learned that the answer was MTV’s Cribs, I sighed and shook my head. After several more minutes of assuring Pierre that the US was not littered with hot tubs, Porches, and six-foot women walking down Michigan Avenue in bikinis, I could see the disappointment in his face. When I told him that the freedoms we enjoy are in fact limited by actual laws (no, Pierre, I cannot tell the police officer to shove off or take my neighbor’s car because I like it better), I think I saw his heart break.
In his mind, the US represented all of that was good and wonderful and right. It was sunshine and flowers, luxury and rest. The US was a land of freedom and opportunity and symbolized a chance for a different life, one far different from the one he was currently living. If he could just get to the US, Pierre had told me, he would be happy.
Looking at the photograph of the man smiling hopefully, I realized that the United States was Pierre’s “skinny.”
How many of us have held on to the notion for years that if we could just cross the vast ocean of self-punishment, we could get to the Land of Skinny and experience bliss? That if we could just work hard enough and restrict our natural impulses, we could find the happiness that lies within being thin? That skinny means opportunity and freedom and escape from all that is difficult?
I’m here to tell you, as I told Pierre several years ago now, that this elusive land that you’ve been dreaming of for years is not what you might expect. The US, while affording incredible gifts to its citizens, comes with its fair share of problems. Similarly, a being skinny is not the ticket to gold-paved roads, despite what our media might have us believe. Skinny still feels sadness – it feels pain and hurt and hopelessness.
It’s easy to dream that looking different will make you different, but it’s not the case. Like corruption and disease, low self-esteem and self-hatred know no borders. It’s time to look around and find the beauty in your home.

take a breath.....

Don't get me wrong things are going really well with people at uni, my course is still not thrilling but improving and I am settling in much better but it's still very difficult coping with my mood. It's awful trying to motivate myself at all. This really helped this morning, hope it does for anyone else out there struggling too.

My New Focus

My new focus.... getting one of my own as soon as humanly possible....

I have been learning the ukulele (a little blue one on loan from a flat mate) and its tricky but is keeping me busy, plus helping me to interact with everyone else otherwise it becomes very lonely.

I've had no lectures today so have done all my homework and now feel really hopeless, I was planning on going out for a little walk to the cathedral and into town but I haven't the energy now, I can't be bothered to move really, I haven't eaten anything yet today which probably hasn't helped but haven't got the energy to be bothered- mentally or physically, will just keep going until I have to.
Lets just hope the boys come home soon so I will actually be doing something......

Help me...

University student full time tomorrow, help me.....

Welcome to University

Changes are really difficult for me and so many have happened this week so far. I've just finished my first laundrette load for one, its really weird not to use a machine that you don't have to pop coins in or work out how long things will take.

The weirdest thing is actually saying to people, "come round sometime" because not only does that never happen at home but I've actually got a proper flat of my own (minus the 5 others) to call home.
My sister is visiting today so we'll have to see how she reacts to it!


I'm going to try and tackle the hoover later but one of the girls got back really late last night so may still be in bed- that is a downside of sharing a flat: noise and being worried about when a reasonable time (for the others) is to turn on the hairdryer, kettle, radio, shower, hoover..... all part of my brand spanking shiny new life though. Welcome to university.

Day 5, Uni

I'm sitting at my desk using my laptop with the radio on and a mug of instant hot chocolate next to me and some open text books.

I've collected all my text books now and went to the Sports & Societies fayre earlier too, in which I signed up to join the Christian Union, wanted to find the Psychology Society but I couldn't see their stall anywhere.

I feel a bit cornered in this here. I'm not really 100% sure which of the books I should be reading yet so have been flicking through a Study Skills one, which to be honest is a bit useless- I already know about how to take notes and be organised...

Lately some lads from Singer Hall have visited each night, and it has cheered me up- they can be really funny. I get on really well with one of them especially, he seems to be on my wave length and we have had quite a few conversations together. I don't think they're coming round tonight so I'm not sure whats going to happen. The girls might go out clubbing or something I guess... may do some yoga to fill the time gaps. I'm definitely not going out 'clubbing' with them again. Last time I wish I hadn't said yes as soon as I stepped out into the night but waited until they were ready so I was safe walking home.

I really want to take some photos of everyone together but I'm a bit too shy to ask! It does feel natural being around people now and living in the flat but I don't know if I can just ask for some photos, I don't want them to think I'm any more lame than they think I am already!

It's been so tiring sitting in lecture halls all the time, I find myself drifting off sometimes- they are just so warm and the screen is massive which means you don't really have to concentrate on anything that much.... perhaps once I get into my course more and onto some proper interesting stuff things will pick up a bit?! Intro talks into what you'll be studying are not particularly thrilling.
Last night I had a cry, okay, a yowling weeping session.... embarrassing but I've heard one of the girls doing the same the other morning which makes me feel a bit more normal.

I'm trying to stay involved in things, got my door open nearly all the time and I'm usually sitting in the kitchen watching TV with them all. I also use orange juice when drinking games come into play, I'd quite like to have a go at them actually but I'm a bit too nervous, I've never tried anything except a little champagne and bucks fizz.
One of the other lads doesn't drink much so maybe I could have a sip of something like he does. I'm really going to have to be careful because it stops my medication from working and can cause more depressive side effects....

SO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!!! yet I feel like there's pretty much nothing for me to do.... welcome to my uni life.

Spectacles of Human Behaviour

Last night I witnessed the spectacle of clubbing.
What I ask myself is the point of paying £15 to walk to and from a club in pitch black, whilst being freezing cold and dressed in skimpy dresses and heels, dance for approximately 10 minutes at a time whilst being shoved and pushed about to music blasting through your ears. The funniest spectacle was seeing girls sitting just outside the club texting on their phones as if they were at home anyway.
Seems a waste of time (and money) to me.....

Tools for Uni

Pre-arrival strategies for a (hopefully) positive university experience....

#1 International Language of the Smile
     smile at everyone and anyone, to appear confident and welcoming to other students.
#2 Keep my door proped open
     make a point of keeping my door propped open so that if anyone walks past I can say hello, offer a
     drink, etc...
#3 Say hello to people
     get into the habit of saying hello/morning/afternoon to people
#4 Try to remember people's names
     write a list of people I have met and where I met them
#5 Ask people questions about themselves to get a conversation started
     people love to talk about themselves; what course are you on? where did you come from? did you
    have a good weekend?
#6 Say YES (within reason)
     say yes to opportunites that I may not usually agree to, keep an open mind; say 'yes' but be careful
     and when appropriate
#7 Be myself
     be who I am, don't hide my qualities and I can't go wrong
#8 Appear Confident
     sit up straight, walk with head held high, SMILE even when its the last thing I feel like doing

Copyright Jackie Wilcox and Ellie Jones, 2012!

Some thoughts/poetry I wrote over the Summer

A shield to protect me
-takes me far away
A shield to protect me
-from the fears of the day
A shield to protect me
-so nobody knows
A shield to protect me
-behind the camouflage of clothes

A coat to keep out
-their whispers and thoughts
A coat to keep out
-the questions of all sorts
A coat to keep out
-the searching eyes
A coat to keep out
-the lies that lie inside



You filled me, took away my pain,
You left me, now I'm alone again.

You knew me, helped me find myself,
You gave me courage to fight everyone else.

You loved me, I loved you,
Now we're destroyed- what to do?


Ellie has to be OK
Ellie has to be strong
Ellie has to be composed
Ellie has to comply with all

Ellie has to be solely blamed
Ellie has to have done all wrong
Ellie has to keep quiet

Ellie wants to have a voice
Ellie wants to be trusted
Ellie wants to have no secrets
Ellie wants to show emotion

Ellie wants to be Ellie, is that possible?


Whats wrong with me?
-the heartache, the pain
Whats wrong with me?
-the grief, the sustain
Whats wrong with me?
-the worries inside
Whats wrong with me?
-I have so much to hide


I hide
I scream
I fear
I tremble

I coward
I fall
I cry
I stumble


Inside me...

Inside me is a fire so bright
with flames that threaten to burn in delight

Inside me is a whistle so clear
loud and constant to chase away the fear

Inside me is a hurricane to destroy
rid me of the pain, hurt and replace with joy

Inside me is a raging sea
splashing against my insides to set me free



The crisp white band labelling my body
Number (V075513)
Simple.

The receipt determining my fate
Number (6 Nov 2010)
Simple.

The tag to keep me alive
Brand (SKINTACT)
Simple.

The thoughts, feelings, memories and dreams
Close to my mind,
Closer to my heart...
Complex, Severe.

Little Pleasures in Life

Couldn't resist....

slip ups

I let my emotions get the better of me the other day, I self harmed, something which I haven't done in at least 1-2 years. I used to cut and bruise myself all the time to deal with horrible thoughts or to punish myself but it eventually phased out, with my imagination taking its place.
I've just been feeling so low lately and I felt so numb I just got some scissors and snipped at my skin. I didn't do much damage or anything so in the long term that was good. I rang up my adult services team and left a message for my worker so when she gets off sick leave I can talk to her about how I'm feeling. I don't think I can trust her much though because I only see her once a month for about 15 minutes, which is nothing, she even wants to discharge me when I go to Coventry in September rather than transfer me there. It just feels like another hassle to add to the list.
Hopefully there won't be many more slip ups just yet.

Stay strong x

Goals

This picture was shared by someone I know on Facebook from the page Heal Your Life

Someone once told me its important to celebrate every goal you achieve/come closer to achieving. It's 10:25am and so far I have achieved:

1. Breakfast
2. Getting dressed
3. Taking back library books
4. Going to the doctors
5. Getting my medication
6. Taking my medication
7. Checking emails/facebook
8. Writing this post

When you look at it like that, things do seem to add up, even if they're insignificant things to a 'normal' person at least 6 are personal hurdles for me.

Stay strong, Ell xx

Ice Cream

Ok, so its been forever since I let myself have a treat and I did today, with persuasion from my Mum, but I had a scoop of ice cream!

We went to Buckingham and sat in a proper italian gelato (ice cream) shop and it wasn't very busy at the time so it was really relaxed and not too stressful.
Normally with food I don't try to think about what I'm tasting or swallowing because it makes me feel really sick but today I did and let me tell you, I love Strawberry Gelato :)

RANT: Cheryl Cole

So I love Cheryl, she's one of my favourite celebrities. I love her music, fashion, hair... but after seeing her latest video I HATE HER.

(I couldn't find a photo that shows it well enough and to be honest it was getting me even more wound up so settled for above- see video for a better view)

I can't believe how skinny she has got (she was TINY anyway)!!!
Not only does it make me feel scared for all the kids out there who look up to her and the danger she is causing them but its making me jealous too. I know the jealousy is ED but seriously I want to know how she does it and I'm furiously comparing myself to her.

I hate the way celebs/the media can get into my head but worst of all I hate the messages they portray sometimes...

what has the world come to??

RESPECT

I recently read a book about respect; sounds boring but it was actually really useful. I wanted to share a few things with you that I made a note on about respecting yourself, in all areas of your life.

A really nice equation was used in the book to show a simple version of what respect actually means. I've copied it out here:

It comes easily to me to respect other people but I know I don't respect myself very well. In the book there was a list of rights that every person is entitled to, reading through them made me feel quite upset as I know many aren't true for me at the moment but I'm going to work on some of them. I've copied out the list in a simpler and shorter form that I hope will help you to remember that you deserve all of these things......

YOUR RIGHTS:

• to feel like you belong and are an equal
• to figure out what you need and take care of yourself
• to listen to your true/gut feelings
• to speak your mind, change your mind and question the world around you
• to be different from your family and friends, media ideals and images
• to feel and be safe
• to become independent
• to follow your passions and be the real you

A quote I always remind myself of is 'It's OK to not feel OK and it's OK to feel OK'. Feelings are always valid no matter what they are or how they present themselves.

Ellie x

(If you're interested in the book the ISBN is 1575421771 and is written by Courtney Macvinta & Andrea Vander Pluym)

The Help

The Help by Kathryn Stockett is one of my favourite books. Someone reminded me of a quote today said by the character Aibileen that I would like to share with you...

"You is kind, you is smart, you is important"

Who Inspires you? (Part 4) ~Jackie & Gabby

Things are a struggle. When I set this new blog up I was inspired yet I feel like I'm losing myself slightly in some of the posts; I've said what I feel I'm supposed to rather than how I feel. I've been told this is something good to recognise and I'm going to do my best to be more honest on here.
One thing that really has come from the heart though are the blogs about people who have inspired me. Writing about them really does make me feel like there is hope in this world; here are just a couple of my closest inspirations....

Jackie is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I became friends with Jackie to begin with at school but now I see her each week for counselling. Jackie is so wise and frankly this is something so refreshing; I feel so at ease with her because I feel like she understands me and we can talk about anything and everything together, she has so much life experience and has managed to keep going throughout everything in her life; such strength.
The only word I can use to describe Jackie is 'sparkly' because she is a lovely, bubbly person with such passion, strength and she has a lovely personality.
I'm going to miss her so much when I go to university; I feel so sad even writing this, hopefully we'll be able to keep in contact. She's the greatest!!

Gabby is someone I am always amazed at, she struggles but manages to still conquer things with such grace and strength; this in itself is so inspirational.
I really look up to Gabby; she is such a beautiful, talented and passionate young lady who has such a wide range of interests that I too can relate to. I feel so at ease with her, like we've always been friends and I've loved meeting up with her to have a good old gossip.
I love her to bits!!

Who Inspires you? (Part 3)

Demi Lovato has suffered from anorexia, bulimia, depression, substance abuse and self-harm to name but a few and after being discharged from an inpatient unit is now able to be a positive role model to prove recovery can happen and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

There are 1000s of details about the story online but I'd really like to share with you some quotes that I have collected from many her interviews...

"I wish I could tell every young girl with an eating disorder, or who has harmed herself in any way, that she's worthy of life and that her life has meaning. You can overcome and get through anything"

"I don't think there's going to be a day when I don't think about food or my body -recovery doesn't have a day off, I don't think there is a finish line I think you keep going- but I'm living with it, and I wish I could tell young girls to find their safe place and stay with it"

"I don't let anyone's insecurities, emotions, or opinions bother me. I know that if I am happy, that's all that matters to me. And it's okay to be selfish like that sometimes, when it comes to your well-being. Do what makes you happy, and don't care what others think"

"I live my life every day, and if I feel like wearing combat boots one day and shoes the next, I will. I allow myself a lot of freedom and I'm very peaceful now"

"Never be ashamed of what you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you happy. That's my life motto."

Demi's new album titled 'Unbroken' is one of the most amazing things I have ever bought; I connect to so much of her new stuff, the lyrics are just spot on- especially the tracks 'Skyscraper', 'Fix a Heart', 'Lightweight'...  some are very emotional and personal (especially For the Love of a Daughter) which I think is such a brave thing to do, sharing emotions with someone is one of the hardest things to do, let alone to the world!
She also made a documentary called 'Stay Strong' that aired on MTV recently. I've checked out all the trailers for it and read so many raving reviews, it's a must watch if you ever get the chance to see it. (I don't get the MTV channel so let me know what the full version is like if you've taken a look!)
Speaking of Stay Strong, Demi actually got these words tattooed over her self harm scars on her wrists displaying such a positive and recovery focused message, one for us all to remember.

Stay Strong xxx

Who Inspires you? (Part 2)

On my last post I wrote briefly about Princess Diana.  I found it fascinating learning someone so well known, beautiful, loved and treasured could go through similar things to any other human being, including myself. It's often so difficult to realise you're not the only one -there are others out there too.



In 1995 Princess Diana first spoke publicly in a BBC interview that she suffered from Bulimia during her marriage to Prince Charles.
"It was my escape mechanism, and it worked for me at that time....it gives you a feeling of comfort"
"I had bulimia for a number of years, and that’s like a secret disease. You inflict it upon yourself because your self-esteem is at low ebb, and you don’t think you’re worthy or valuable. It’s like having a pair of arms around you, but it’s temporarily, temporary....And it’s a repetitive pattern, which is very destructive to yourself,"
When this became public knowledge reported cases of Bulimia skyrocketed, Diana's admission empowered others to come forward and admit their own eating disorder too.

When you think about it I can understand how someone such as Diana developed an illness such as this; she needed (and was expected) to have a picture perfect appearance, constantly hounded by press and was always under scrutiny.
Princess Diana learned to do what many of us do; internalise pain, confusion and feelings; contributing to cutting and later depression- post-natal and clinical. However, at the time of her death in 1997, she not only seemed to have overcome these difficulties but also achieved success in the life she was choosing for herself.

This is why she is a truly inspirational hero.

Who Inspires you? (Part 1)

When times are difficult it's always good to have some people around you or people to think about to encourage, inspire and support you. In no particular order here are just a few of mine...


Jackie W
Gabby W
Laurel F
Demi Lovato
Princess Diana
Angela C
Jesus
Louise Hay
Melly
My Mum, Dad & Lucy, Grandma
Kate Middleton
Lynsey
Peggy


Ok, yes some of them are the typical teenage inspirations but others are those who I admire for their bravery, courage and wisdom (especially the top few girlies). Others are people who have overcome things and I feel encouraged by this, e.g. I didn't even realise Princess Diana suffered from depression and bulimia- although when you think about it it isn't really that surprising. I've mentioned Demi Lovato in the last post who is a lantern of hope and such a positive role model, especially for teen girls.

A lot of these people are just so special to me... sometimes it makes me feel better even thinking about them.


Who would be on your list?

Today Is...

Today is COMPLIMENT YOUR MIRROR DAY.

OK, so this one is massive. Huge. Gigantic.
But maybe instead of shrugging off a compliment or arguing with someone when we hear a compliment we should just say "Thank you for noticing"- compliments are in fact little presents (sure, argue in your head if you need to at first, its all about practice) and once you begin to get the hang of it you may even be able to accept or at least hear what the other person is telling you.



I had no idea about compliment your mirror day but Love is Louder posted it on their facebook page (follow them if you can)! Love is Louder is a campaign spreading the word that "love is louder than any voice that causes pain or brings you down".
I first found out about them when researching into Demi Lovato and her struggles with self harm, bulimia, depression... and her message that Love is Louder than the Pressure to be Perfect. She really is someone who really inspires me- she has such strength and beauty.

Ellie xx

Keep Remembering...

It is possible not to weigh yourself everyday- It is possible to skip the ritual for a day or a week, month, year. I'm a testament to that~ I last weighed myself 18 days ago (massive step) ~ I'm still alive and I haven't fallen apart. I can feel my weight hasn't changed and I don't need to confirm it at the moment, I just know.

Eating Disorders trick us a lot of the time.... If you tried what I have you'd still be alive and in one piece, just as you are now, simply without the numbers deciding whether today is going to be a good/bad day...

you control IT, IT doesn't control you.

Feel free to replace IT with anything you like, e.g. anorexia, anxiety, bulimia, depression, OCD... etc

The meaning of Recovery

The oxford dictionary describes recovery as: 

• return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength

In some ways these above definitions do define recovery well; it is all about regaining health and strength, returning to 'normal' (whatever that means) but I think it is important to consider these other aspects of the definition:

• the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost
• (in rowing, cycling or swimming) returning the paddle, leg or arm to its initial position ready to make a new stroke

I think that these perhaps define recovery better; returning to a 'normal' state to help you move forward in your life and also regaining possession/control of yourself and making your own decisions driven by your true self. Recovery is also very much about finding something that you lost or stolen- whether that be your social life, strength, family.... etc.

I've recently written out a card to help me remember what recovery is all about, it says...

Getting better doesn't mean getting fat.
Getting better means feeling healthy and strong.
Getting better means having energy to do things.
Getting better means taking care and looking after myself.

I think this is such an important thing to hold on to and remember when recovery seems so far away or so difficult.

Small positive steps are the answer and eventually things will get better.... xx

A Welcome Note...

From an early age I've had many setbacks and suffered a lot of pain in my life; bullying, bad relationships, eating disorders, depression... I'm still not sure if I even want to 'recover' from anything yet but this summer I have decided to at least challenge some of my thinking and maybe even change some of my ways.

I've got a good support system in place with lovely friends who I hope can help me on my journey. I've met a lot of people in therapy (from nearly 4 years) and only now do I feel so comfortable and free to express myself that I feel OK about taking a bit more control in my life ~Thanks Jackie~ and as I've got a bit more free time on my hands this is going to be something positive I want to explore.
I hope that some of the things I will be writing about will prove useful to you and maybe you will be able to help yourself in the process. This is a new thing for me and I'm sure I'll make plenty of mistakes on the way but I'm beginning to learn that this is OK and NORMAL and I don't need to punish myself- I'm doing the best I can right now & that's good enough, in fact its GREAT!!

My main goal this summer is to learn to look after myself and I wish you able to do this too.

Lets get cracking and make the most of the summer,
Love Ellie xx