Go your own way- Lissie
Let the Sunshine- Labyrinth
Eliza Doolittle- Big when I was little
Thursday, 25 July 2013
Princess Diana
I've always admired Diana and have just been watching the interview Panorama conducted with her. I wanted to share a few quotes here that I found interesting....
"You have so much pain inside yourself that you hurt yourself on the outside because you want help"
"I didn't like myself, I was ashamed that I couldn't cope with the pressures"
"What I needed was space and time... [on postnatal depression] it gave everybody a wonderful new label that Diana's unstable and Diana's mentally unbalanced and unfortunately that seems to have stuck on and off over the years... I think people used it"
"I felt compelled to perform... in a way being out in public they supported me, although they weren't aware just how much healing they were giving me and it carried me through"
"I had Bulimia for a number of years... self esteem was at a low ebb... don't feel valuable... It was a symptom at what was going on in my marriage... people were using my Bulimia as a coat on a hanger, deciding that was the problem, Diana was unstable."
"My husband decided we'd do separate engagements... I'd quite liked the company but there again it wasn't my choice"
What did the Prince of Wales think of your interests? "Well, I don't think I was allowed to have any.. I don't think I've been given any credit for growth... Anything good I ever did nobody said a thing, never said 'well done' or 'was it ok?' but if I tripped up a tonne of bricks came down on me... there were lots of tears and one could dive into the Bulimia to escape."
"[on the effect of the affair] devastating, rampant Bulimia... a feeling of not being good at anything, being useless and hopeless and failed in every direction... It became increasingly difficult..."
"Friends on my husbands side were indicating that I was again unstable, sick and should be put in a home of some sort to get better, I was almost an embarrassment."
"There's no better way to dismantle a personality than to isolate it"
"[after the separation] people's agendas changed overnight, I was now separated, I was a problem, I was a liability... life became very difficult then for me... my husband's side became very busy stopping me"
Such a strong woman...
"You have so much pain inside yourself that you hurt yourself on the outside because you want help"
"I didn't like myself, I was ashamed that I couldn't cope with the pressures"
"What I needed was space and time... [on postnatal depression] it gave everybody a wonderful new label that Diana's unstable and Diana's mentally unbalanced and unfortunately that seems to have stuck on and off over the years... I think people used it"
"I felt compelled to perform... in a way being out in public they supported me, although they weren't aware just how much healing they were giving me and it carried me through"
"I had Bulimia for a number of years... self esteem was at a low ebb... don't feel valuable... It was a symptom at what was going on in my marriage... people were using my Bulimia as a coat on a hanger, deciding that was the problem, Diana was unstable."
"My husband decided we'd do separate engagements... I'd quite liked the company but there again it wasn't my choice"
What did the Prince of Wales think of your interests? "Well, I don't think I was allowed to have any.. I don't think I've been given any credit for growth... Anything good I ever did nobody said a thing, never said 'well done' or 'was it ok?' but if I tripped up a tonne of bricks came down on me... there were lots of tears and one could dive into the Bulimia to escape."
"[on the effect of the affair] devastating, rampant Bulimia... a feeling of not being good at anything, being useless and hopeless and failed in every direction... It became increasingly difficult..."
"Friends on my husbands side were indicating that I was again unstable, sick and should be put in a home of some sort to get better, I was almost an embarrassment."
"There's no better way to dismantle a personality than to isolate it"
"[after the separation] people's agendas changed overnight, I was now separated, I was a problem, I was a liability... life became very difficult then for me... my husband's side became very busy stopping me"
Such a strong woman...
Sunday, 21 July 2013
EDNOS
After two assessment appointments I have been re-diagnosed with EDNOS.
Feeling shit tbh. Not sick enough to be diagnosed with a proper illness yet my head feels worse than ever. I just want to disappear.
Just read this on something-fishy.org ...
Having an "Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified" can mean a number of things... It can mean the individual suffers from Anorexia but still gets their period; It can mean they may still be an "average healthy weight" but be suffering Anorexia; It can mean the sufferer equally participates in some Anorexic as well as Bulimic behaviors (sometimes referred to as being Bulimirexic).
The most important thing to remember is that Eating Disorders, any combination of them, (or any that fall into the clinical category of EDNOS), are ALL psychological illnesses, none less or more serious than the next. They all have their physical dangers and complications, they all present themselves through an array of disordered eating patterns in one way or another, and they all stem from emotional turmoil such as a low self-esteem, a need to forget feelings and/or stress, a need to block pain, anger and/or people out, and most of all, a need to cope. The bottom line is that we are ALL suffering. If you find you suffer from any Eating Disorder then it's time to reach in to yourself.
...doesn't really make me feel much better.
Feeling shit tbh. Not sick enough to be diagnosed with a proper illness yet my head feels worse than ever. I just want to disappear.
Just read this on something-fishy.org ...
Having an "Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified" can mean a number of things... It can mean the individual suffers from Anorexia but still gets their period; It can mean they may still be an "average healthy weight" but be suffering Anorexia; It can mean the sufferer equally participates in some Anorexic as well as Bulimic behaviors (sometimes referred to as being Bulimirexic).
The most important thing to remember is that Eating Disorders, any combination of them, (or any that fall into the clinical category of EDNOS), are ALL psychological illnesses, none less or more serious than the next. They all have their physical dangers and complications, they all present themselves through an array of disordered eating patterns in one way or another, and they all stem from emotional turmoil such as a low self-esteem, a need to forget feelings and/or stress, a need to block pain, anger and/or people out, and most of all, a need to cope. The bottom line is that we are ALL suffering. If you find you suffer from any Eating Disorder then it's time to reach in to yourself.
...doesn't really make me feel much better.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Friday, 12 July 2013
Past Reflections...
Remembering the days when I was still young and went to CAMHS. We made this poster in the Eating Disorder Support Group.
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Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Feeling like a fake.
I feel like a fake. I'm not thin enough, don't weigh as little as I should to be feeling this way.
I feel as if I have slipped miles with things. Eating things.
On paper everything is great.
I have escaped bullying, a violent relationship. I have attended university for a year and successfully lived away from home. I have a small summer job. My grades are good. I'm in a positive relationship with someone who I really care about.
So, why do I feel as if everything is a total and utter mess? Everything should be perfect, at least improved. On the surface reading these sentences it is. Yet...
I have to live in this body. Food is my enemy. I look like I'm pregnant I've put on so much weight. I have little energy. I'm constantly on edge. I can't go out without make up on. I'm scared to see myself naked. I'm worried that my boyfriend will comment on my weight and think I'm fat. I'm worried someone will touch my body. I ache in mind and body. I feel as if I'm stuck. I'm anxious. I'm trapped.
I've become terrified that people are trying to poison me; my mind through subconscious tricks and techniques and my body through medications and drugs. Rationally I know that doctors are there to help yet I stopped my medication a few months ago because (it wasn't working anyway) I was scared that it was poisoning my body and mind. I didn't want anything else in my body. This is not logical, not rational, I can recognise this, yet I'm paralysed with fear.
I'm terrified to swallow, to eat, to breath certain air. Everything feels as if it is polluting me.
Part of me recognises that perhaps this isn't quite right and that maybe I would benefit telling someone but I cant talk to my family and I'm too scared to go to the doctors because I don't want to be controlled and I don't want the germs seeping into my body.
I keep pushing on, striving for destinations and goals. Push through the next 5 minutes and I'll be in my room. Push 2 more steps and I can sit down. Push to get up and turn a light on. Push to type the next few words. Push. Push. Push.
Cry. Cry. Cry.
I feel as if I have slipped miles with things. Eating things.
On paper everything is great.
I have escaped bullying, a violent relationship. I have attended university for a year and successfully lived away from home. I have a small summer job. My grades are good. I'm in a positive relationship with someone who I really care about.
So, why do I feel as if everything is a total and utter mess? Everything should be perfect, at least improved. On the surface reading these sentences it is. Yet...
I have to live in this body. Food is my enemy. I look like I'm pregnant I've put on so much weight. I have little energy. I'm constantly on edge. I can't go out without make up on. I'm scared to see myself naked. I'm worried that my boyfriend will comment on my weight and think I'm fat. I'm worried someone will touch my body. I ache in mind and body. I feel as if I'm stuck. I'm anxious. I'm trapped.
I've become terrified that people are trying to poison me; my mind through subconscious tricks and techniques and my body through medications and drugs. Rationally I know that doctors are there to help yet I stopped my medication a few months ago because (it wasn't working anyway) I was scared that it was poisoning my body and mind. I didn't want anything else in my body. This is not logical, not rational, I can recognise this, yet I'm paralysed with fear.
I'm terrified to swallow, to eat, to breath certain air. Everything feels as if it is polluting me.
Part of me recognises that perhaps this isn't quite right and that maybe I would benefit telling someone but I cant talk to my family and I'm too scared to go to the doctors because I don't want to be controlled and I don't want the germs seeping into my body.
I keep pushing on, striving for destinations and goals. Push through the next 5 minutes and I'll be in my room. Push 2 more steps and I can sit down. Push to get up and turn a light on. Push to type the next few words. Push. Push. Push.
Cry. Cry. Cry.
Playlist 09.07.13
The Cinematic Orchestra- To Build a Home
Bastille- Pompeii Kat Krazy Remix
The Raconteurs- Steady as She Goes
Train- Drive By
Daft Punk- Get Lucky
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