Help me...

University student full time tomorrow, help me.....

Welcome to University

Changes are really difficult for me and so many have happened this week so far. I've just finished my first laundrette load for one, its really weird not to use a machine that you don't have to pop coins in or work out how long things will take.

The weirdest thing is actually saying to people, "come round sometime" because not only does that never happen at home but I've actually got a proper flat of my own (minus the 5 others) to call home.
My sister is visiting today so we'll have to see how she reacts to it!


I'm going to try and tackle the hoover later but one of the girls got back really late last night so may still be in bed- that is a downside of sharing a flat: noise and being worried about when a reasonable time (for the others) is to turn on the hairdryer, kettle, radio, shower, hoover..... all part of my brand spanking shiny new life though. Welcome to university.

Day 5, Uni

I'm sitting at my desk using my laptop with the radio on and a mug of instant hot chocolate next to me and some open text books.

I've collected all my text books now and went to the Sports & Societies fayre earlier too, in which I signed up to join the Christian Union, wanted to find the Psychology Society but I couldn't see their stall anywhere.

I feel a bit cornered in this here. I'm not really 100% sure which of the books I should be reading yet so have been flicking through a Study Skills one, which to be honest is a bit useless- I already know about how to take notes and be organised...

Lately some lads from Singer Hall have visited each night, and it has cheered me up- they can be really funny. I get on really well with one of them especially, he seems to be on my wave length and we have had quite a few conversations together. I don't think they're coming round tonight so I'm not sure whats going to happen. The girls might go out clubbing or something I guess... may do some yoga to fill the time gaps. I'm definitely not going out 'clubbing' with them again. Last time I wish I hadn't said yes as soon as I stepped out into the night but waited until they were ready so I was safe walking home.

I really want to take some photos of everyone together but I'm a bit too shy to ask! It does feel natural being around people now and living in the flat but I don't know if I can just ask for some photos, I don't want them to think I'm any more lame than they think I am already!

It's been so tiring sitting in lecture halls all the time, I find myself drifting off sometimes- they are just so warm and the screen is massive which means you don't really have to concentrate on anything that much.... perhaps once I get into my course more and onto some proper interesting stuff things will pick up a bit?! Intro talks into what you'll be studying are not particularly thrilling.
Last night I had a cry, okay, a yowling weeping session.... embarrassing but I've heard one of the girls doing the same the other morning which makes me feel a bit more normal.

I'm trying to stay involved in things, got my door open nearly all the time and I'm usually sitting in the kitchen watching TV with them all. I also use orange juice when drinking games come into play, I'd quite like to have a go at them actually but I'm a bit too nervous, I've never tried anything except a little champagne and bucks fizz.
One of the other lads doesn't drink much so maybe I could have a sip of something like he does. I'm really going to have to be careful because it stops my medication from working and can cause more depressive side effects....

SO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!!! yet I feel like there's pretty much nothing for me to do.... welcome to my uni life.

Spectacles of Human Behaviour

Last night I witnessed the spectacle of clubbing.
What I ask myself is the point of paying £15 to walk to and from a club in pitch black, whilst being freezing cold and dressed in skimpy dresses and heels, dance for approximately 10 minutes at a time whilst being shoved and pushed about to music blasting through your ears. The funniest spectacle was seeing girls sitting just outside the club texting on their phones as if they were at home anyway.
Seems a waste of time (and money) to me.....

Tools for Uni

Pre-arrival strategies for a (hopefully) positive university experience....

#1 International Language of the Smile
     smile at everyone and anyone, to appear confident and welcoming to other students.
#2 Keep my door proped open
     make a point of keeping my door propped open so that if anyone walks past I can say hello, offer a
     drink, etc...
#3 Say hello to people
     get into the habit of saying hello/morning/afternoon to people
#4 Try to remember people's names
     write a list of people I have met and where I met them
#5 Ask people questions about themselves to get a conversation started
     people love to talk about themselves; what course are you on? where did you come from? did you
    have a good weekend?
#6 Say YES (within reason)
     say yes to opportunites that I may not usually agree to, keep an open mind; say 'yes' but be careful
     and when appropriate
#7 Be myself
     be who I am, don't hide my qualities and I can't go wrong
#8 Appear Confident
     sit up straight, walk with head held high, SMILE even when its the last thing I feel like doing

Copyright Jackie Wilcox and Ellie Jones, 2012!

Some thoughts/poetry I wrote over the Summer

A shield to protect me
-takes me far away
A shield to protect me
-from the fears of the day
A shield to protect me
-so nobody knows
A shield to protect me
-behind the camouflage of clothes

A coat to keep out
-their whispers and thoughts
A coat to keep out
-the questions of all sorts
A coat to keep out
-the searching eyes
A coat to keep out
-the lies that lie inside



You filled me, took away my pain,
You left me, now I'm alone again.

You knew me, helped me find myself,
You gave me courage to fight everyone else.

You loved me, I loved you,
Now we're destroyed- what to do?


Ellie has to be OK
Ellie has to be strong
Ellie has to be composed
Ellie has to comply with all

Ellie has to be solely blamed
Ellie has to have done all wrong
Ellie has to keep quiet

Ellie wants to have a voice
Ellie wants to be trusted
Ellie wants to have no secrets
Ellie wants to show emotion

Ellie wants to be Ellie, is that possible?


Whats wrong with me?
-the heartache, the pain
Whats wrong with me?
-the grief, the sustain
Whats wrong with me?
-the worries inside
Whats wrong with me?
-I have so much to hide


I hide
I scream
I fear
I tremble

I coward
I fall
I cry
I stumble


Inside me...

Inside me is a fire so bright
with flames that threaten to burn in delight

Inside me is a whistle so clear
loud and constant to chase away the fear

Inside me is a hurricane to destroy
rid me of the pain, hurt and replace with joy

Inside me is a raging sea
splashing against my insides to set me free



The crisp white band labelling my body
Number (V075513)
Simple.

The receipt determining my fate
Number (6 Nov 2010)
Simple.

The tag to keep me alive
Brand (SKINTACT)
Simple.

The thoughts, feelings, memories and dreams
Close to my mind,
Closer to my heart...
Complex, Severe.