Feeling like a fake.

I feel like a fake. I'm not thin enough, don't weigh as little as I should to be feeling this way.
I feel as if I have slipped miles with things. Eating things.

On paper everything is great.
I have escaped bullying, a violent relationship. I have attended university for a year and successfully lived away from home. I have a small summer job. My grades are good. I'm in a positive relationship with someone who I really care about.
So, why do I feel as if everything is a total and utter mess? Everything should be perfect, at least improved. On the surface reading these sentences it is. Yet...
I have to live in this body. Food is my enemy. I look like I'm pregnant I've put on so much weight. I have little energy. I'm constantly on edge. I can't go out without make up on. I'm scared to see myself naked. I'm worried that my boyfriend will comment on my weight and think I'm fat. I'm worried someone will touch my body. I ache in mind and body. I feel as if I'm stuck. I'm anxious. I'm trapped.

I've become terrified that people are trying to poison me; my mind through subconscious tricks and techniques and my body through medications and drugs. Rationally I know that doctors are there to help yet I stopped my medication a few months ago because (it wasn't working anyway) I was scared that it was poisoning my body and mind. I didn't want anything else in my body. This is not logical, not rational, I can recognise this, yet I'm paralysed with fear.
I'm terrified to swallow, to eat, to breath certain air. Everything feels as if it is polluting me.
Part of me recognises that perhaps this isn't quite right and that maybe I would benefit telling someone but I cant talk to my family and I'm too scared to go to the doctors because I don't want to be controlled and I don't want the germs seeping into my body.

I keep pushing on, striving for destinations and goals. Push through the next 5 minutes and I'll be in my room. Push 2 more steps and I can sit down. Push to get up and turn a light on. Push to type the next few words. Push. Push. Push.
Cry. Cry. Cry.