scissors....

So, self harm.... its something I've been doing on and off for a while now. I'm not proud of what happens when I start but sometimes I just gravitate towards scissors and the next thing I know there are slices on my legs. In a sick way I find it quite beautiful watching the droplets run across my skin, almost as if pain is running out of me and transforming to a beautiful free red droplet.
I wonder if anyone else also finds this true?
Once I realise what I'm doing I tend to stop and then have to clear up the mess. The only thing I find with self harm is the irritation of the cuts afterwards, unless I have large plasters (which I don't have to cover the size of some of my 'sessions') any fabric causes the skin to burn. Walking around becomes quite a pain.

At the moment I'm trying desperately to distract myself from myself. I'm feeling incredibly low, drained and tired and often find myself drifting in and out of sleep. I feel the need to rest constantly. Waking up, dressing and washing is often a struggle when you feel as if there is not much hope.
I turn to films and music in order to get me on the right track and I'm dabbling in the bible more and more to retain some sort of sanity and faith. It's difficult when sometimes you don't know how to distinguish what you think is happening/what you're feeling and what is actually happening. I tend to drift nowadays in a state of numbness; the emotional pain sits on my shoulders as I numbly get what needs to be done, done.